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For so long I saw myself as a failure.
Even though there were so many signs that I was already rebelling against the diet culture, I denied them. Each time I ate cake or decided to watch Dynasty instead of exercise, my inner badass was saying "girl, this sucks." The badass inside my head won a lot, but I couldn't see those choices as being CHOICES. I saw them only as failures.
Dear friend,
I am writing to you today to address our relationship for the past 10 years, which I feel has been rather strained. I loved you when we were kids. You were always there for me no matter what. We grew together. We laughed, we cried, we played, and we danced. You helped me discover who I was in this world.
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It can be difficult, at this time of year, to keep a balanced perspective. The holidays are chaotic, full of opportunities for criticism, self-directed or otherwise, and it is hard to resist the pull to begin January full of judgment. Whether you are the type to scoff at resolutions, or to earnestly face the New Year hoping that you can be a better self than you were in the past in some small way, for those of us who keep ourselves at a distance - the sick self and the well self - the urge to reflect and resolve is fraught.
For the longest time I felt like I was trapped in a box. I felt isolated and it felt like the life that I always wanted to live was so far out of reach.
I have always wanted to travel; I wanted to see what was beyond the comfort of my backyard and experience everything this world has to offer. However, between my eating disorder, anxiety and depression, the idea of travelling seemed unimaginable. Living with such illnesses, I would say, feels like you are carrying around a ton of extra weight.
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Occasionally, when it comes up in conversation, I’ve heard some dietitian colleagues agree that a non-diet or intuitive eating approach is the best way to help clients achieve better eating habits…unless they’re really “obese.” Then they should probably lose weight “for their health.” These dietitians are not yet wholly committed to Health at Every Size - HAES®.
The Objective of Life: In my opinion, it is to live a fulfilled life free of pain and suffering. Having said that, hardships are often inevitable. However, I do believe that we can sometimes manifest our own problems in our lives, specifically relating to our bodies. Through my own personal experiences, I have recognized my own body concerns as being tied to preoccupations of my mind. The culture of the mind can play a major role in the organization of one’s life, including the perception of the self. Negative thinking pathways in our minds, like negative self-talk, can lead you to feel like a prisoner in your own body, which I experienced before finding the pathway of recovery and happiness.
“You look healthy.”
I heard this often when I first recovered from anorexia nervosa, and it sent my head whirling with thoughts such as: “What do they mean? How bad did I look before? Am I too healthy?” A simple, seemingly positive remark made me feel confused and irrational. I knew people were trying to make me feel good, tell me in their own ways that they were relieved I had changed my life for the better, but it was hard to accept my changing body; never mind what others thought.
Image Source: Google Images
In a culture that pathologically reduces females to their physiques and profits from their self-perceived flaws, it’s not surprising that this body image narrative has become dominant. While this narrative provides a convenient framework and simple explanations, the assumption that eating disorders arise primarily from dissatisfaction with physical appearance masks the complexity and severity of the disease. This assumption ignores components such as genetic predisposition, psychological factors, and other sociocultural influences. It also eclipses the full spectrum of perspectives that cut across lines of gender, age, race, class, and sexual orientation.
Many transgender, transsexual, and other gender minority (trans) people struggle to attain a positive body image and have an elevated risk of experiencing eating disorders. Perhaps two of the most important issues related to trans people and body image issues are: the lack of trans-affirming body image/eating disorder clinical treatment options, and the pressures to conform to cisgender standards of beauty that confound most trans people.
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Image Source: http://www.public-domain-image.com/free-images/objects/tools/hammer-hand-tool-725x544.jpg
Originally posted May 2, 2015: on www.curvyoga.com at: http://www.curvyyoga.com/put-the-hammer-down/
“People often mistakenly think that body acceptance means you never change, but that couldn’t be true even if we wanted it to be. Our bodies are always changing, so acceptance can never be a static thing.”
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