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My family became a team of superheroes, battling some evil villain when I couldn’t myself. After a while I realized there was no getting around it, I had let my family in and now I couldn’t kick them out. I had to sit back and try to enjoy.
Image Credit: UnSplash
Throughout my life, I have struggled with perfectionism.
The clothing in my closet had to be organized and arranged in a systematic and precise way, divided by colours, texture, and seasons. The books on my shelves had to be sorted by author, subject and year. I would spend hours shaping my external environment to be meticulously spotless.
Image Credit: Delia Xenophontos
Too many people suffering from mental illness feel alone, embarrassed, and guilty because of the stigma attached to it. In honour of World Mental Health Day, I’m sharing my story to remind all those suffering that it’s okay not to be okay.
How do I gain control? How do I make my world stop spinning? I stopped eating. I learned that I could control what went into my body and what came out. It was the first time in my life I felt like I had something that I owned, something that was all mine.
On this week's blog, an annonymous blogger tells her story of how ED took over her life, and how she learned how to tell the eating disorder voice to SHUT UP!
This piece was originally submitted to The Dialouge Projects on June 29th 2016.
Although I have struggled with mental illness for a long time now, sharing my story and just generally talking about my struggle with mental illness has always been something I’ve been really ashamed of and a part of my life I have always wanted to hide. But now, I have finally found the courage to share my story.
Photo Credit: Dave Martyn
TRIGGER WARNING: the following material may be triggering for some individuals - please read with caution.
It was like walking into shadows for all those years, at first I fought it, wrestled with it, then let myself sink deeper down and gave into all those urges and destructions that ran through me. My entire life feels like one big waiting game. Waiting for death; waiting for life to begin; waiting for help; waiting for people to leave me alone; waiting to be saved.
TRIGGER WARNING: the following material may be triggering for some individuals - please read with caution.
Over the past four years I have been admitted to treatment six times, had my parents bail me out of jail four times, ruined countless relationships, and lost faith in myself. Not only have I been in a decade long battle with anorexia, I also developed an addiction to alcohol in my early twenties.
What We Gain
I have to admit, dear reader, that I have struggled and struggled and struggled with this post. There were so many important things to write: about body image, about recovery, about fighting the good fight against this insidious, downright abusive thing we call ED. And then this tiny voice, deep inside, whispered: write about what you gain, when you let go.
So, what’s in a plan, anyway?
In short – the answer is NOTHING. But, it took me a while to realize and fully understand this.
I thought that my plans defined me, and when I deviated from them it automatically meant failure; as a person, in my beliefs, and every part of my being. My plans were what made me proud, made me feel like I was successful, and made me feel complete.
Photo taken by Maha Khan in Abu Dhabi.
TRIGGER WARNING: the following material may be triggering for some individuals - please read with caution.
I had a very strange childhood. I was born in Belarus and raised in the UK by my father’s mother, and learned many life lessons in very hard ways. I was raised by a grandmother who lived on benefits(British welfare) and enjoyed watching EastEnders (a British sitcom) all the time. She was an addict. My father eventually remarried and was absent from my life.
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